Leverage
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: When Will Turner grows dissatisfied with his love life, he sets out to find the ultimate romantic partner: The concept of Leverage itself!


**LEVERAGE**

Written by Christopher Rangel

Will Turner and Captain Jack Sparrow sat in awkward silence, Will with a tankard of ale and Jack with a bottle of rum.

"So", said Jack, breaking the silence, "I assume this is the last time you and Elizabeth will be inviting me over for a threesome."

"Yep", said Will.

"Ah", said Jack, taking a swig of rum. "Look, next time I'll make sure not to…"

"There won't be a next time!" said Will. "I thought we already established that."

"Well, yes", said Jack. "But if there were to be a next time…"

"No", said Will. "Just no. What you did was…"

"Monstrous", said Jack. "Disgusting, abominable, etc. But you must admit, it was kind of sexy." Will just looked at him and took a long sip of his ale. "No, you're right", said Jack. "I guess I'd best be going." He got up from the sofa and made for the door, then turned around. "Next time I'll be sure not to…"

"There won't be a damn next time!" exclaimed Will. Jack frowned, disappointed, and walked out the door.

Will Turner sighed and finished his ale, then stood up and went for the window. It was raining outside; he felt bad for kicking Jack out into that weather, but he had had enough of him (in more ways than one). _There's still something missing from our sex life_ , Will thought. _It's not Jack, that's for sure._ He noticed that the window was cracked open a little, and decided he wanted to open it all the way, to let some cool, rainy air into his hot, stuffy home. He put his hands under the window and tried to lift, but it didn't budge. He grunted as he lifted with all his might, but it didn't move an inch.

"Damn", he said, glaring at the window in defeat. Then he remembered something, a memory from years ago, the day he broke Jack out of prison. _With the right leverage…_ _LEVERAGE!_ Will Turner looked around the room for something he could use, until his eyes rested upon a sturdy board of wood. He picked up the wood and placed it against the windowsill, then applied pressure downward on one end so the other could push the window up, which it did, easily and smoothly.

"I fucking love leverage", said Will Turner. Then he came to another realization. _That's what my sex life needs! Leverage!_ He ran into the bedroom and took his pants right off.

"Will, what are you doing?" asked Elizabeth Swann.

"I'm taking my pants off so I can sex you", said Will Turner.

"What?" asked Elizabeth. "Its like nine in the morning."

"I know", said a now naked Will Turner, climbing onto the bed and giving his wanger a couple tugs to harden it right up.

"It's the time to have breakfast, Will, not do the sex!" said Elizabeth.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" said Will. He cleared his throat and calmed himself down. "You don't understand, Elizabeth. Our sex life has gotten stale and boring recently, and I was having trouble figuring out why, but now I've got the solution."

"What solution?" asked Elizabeth. "Will, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Leverage!" said Will.

"Leverage?"

"We haven't been using the proper leverage!"

"Will, what the fuck are you going on about?" Elizabeth asked as Will tore the bedsheet right off of her. "Will!"

"Elizabeth, do you want to help me with my morning wood or not?"

"Finally", said Elizabeth, assuming the position. "I was waiting for you to start making sense."

"Fuck yeah", said Will Turner, "But we're not doing it like that."

"Then how are we gonna do it?" asked Elizabeth. Will responded by leaning against the headboard in a way that his body was a straight line lifted off the bed at a 45 degree angle.

"We're doing it like this", said Will Smith. "You're gonna stand over my pelvis, facing your sweet ass towards my face like that. Good. Now what you're gonna do is bend over… oh yeah, just bend over, and grab both of my legs. Good. Now I'll stay rigid as a plank, and you just lift my legs so that my dick just mashes right into your cooter."

"Just mash it right into my cooter?" asked Elizabeth.

"Just mash it right into your cooter", said Will.

"Alright", said Elizabeth, and she did so, over and over again. "Oh yeah", she said. "This is pretty great!"

"It's okay", said Will, still dissatisfied. Once they were finished they lay next to each other, gasping for air. "It's not enough", said Will.

"What do you mean?"

"All I did was fuck you using leverage", said Will. "But I need to go further. I need to fuck the concept of leverage itself."

"But how do you do that?" asked Elizabeth.

"I don't know", said Will, sitting up and resting his racing head in his hands. He looked at Elizabeth. "Would you like to help me find out?"

"I would go to World's End with you, darling", said Elizabeth.

"I know you would", said Will, kissing her on the forehead.

Later that day Will and Elizabeth got onto The Black Pearl.

"Well if it isn't my favorite couple!" said Captain Jack Sparrow. "What sort of adventure are you looking for today? Another sexual one?"

"Yes", said Will. "But not with you."

"Why not?" asked Jack Sparrow.

"You know what you did", said Will.

"Sorry, Jack", said Elizabeth, avoiding eye contact.

"Well, what is it then?" asked Jack.

"I'm looking to fuck the concept of leverage", said Will. "I don't suppose you know anyone who might know any way that might be done."

"Fucking the concept of leverage?" said Jack Sparrow. "Yes, I think I might know just the person to help you out with that."

So they sailed across the sea until they made it to Tia Dalma's place.

"Greetings", said Tia Dalma. "How can I help you?"

"I'm looking to fuck leverage", said Will Turner.

"The abstract concept?" asked Tia Dalma.

"Yes", said Will Turner.

"Ha!" said Tia Dalma. "I remember when I went through my phase of abstract concept fucking. Yes, I have exactly what you are looking for if that is what you want to do, but it may cause you much pain. Are you sure you're willing to go through with it?"

"More than anything", said Will. "I fucking love leverage."

"Very well", said Tia Dalma. She went to her shelf of medicines and grabbed a vial of thick, colorless liquid. She poured it into a cup and handed it to Will Turner. "Liquid Tesseract. Drink this and your mind will enter the fourth dimension. There is where you'll find the one you seek."

"Very well", said Will Turner. He brought the liquid to his nose and sniffed it. It was something his mind could not comprehend. He downed the entire thing in one go and then immediately started screaming.

"Should we do something?" asked Elizabeth.

"The only thing we could have done would have been to keep him from drinking it", said Tia Dalma. "But it is very likely he will survive."

The room was spinning around Will Turner, and then so was the rest of the world. He felt his consciousness rise above the world and zoom away, up above the Spiral Milky Way, and far beyond, until he saw himself again in that same room, his conscious stretching and stretching, the tightness bringing indescribable pain until he finally passed out.

When Will opened his eyes again he was in a colorless, undefined room.

"Hello", a voice seemed to call out silently, "I heard you were looking for me."

"Who are you?" asked Will.

"I am Leverage", communicated the entity.

"Leverage", said Will. He felt another presence in that space with him.

"Have you ever fucked an abstract concept before?"

"This is my first time", said Will.

"What an honor", communicated Leverage. "Prepare to have your mind blown."

"And other things blown?" inquired Will.

"Of course other things will be blown", communicated Leverage. "Now lie back and think of England."

"Alright", said Will, and he did so. As soon as he felt something make contact with his manhood images began to fly through his brain, images of levers across the universe being used to lift heavy objects.

"Holy fuck!" said Will. "I AM ALL OF THE LEVERS!"

"Oh yes", communicated Leverage. "You are my big, big, manly, manly fucking lever. Oh yes!"

"Oh yes!" he echoed. Then he felt something lifting him from underneath. "Oh my Godchris, what is this?"

"You may be all of the levers", communicated Leverage, "But I created another lever to leverage you up!"

"OOOooooh, and I am that lever as well!"

"You are!" communicated Leverage.

"Put another one beneath that one."

"I can put infinite levers beneath that one, babe".

"HOLY SHIT!" screamed Will Turner. "INFINITE LEVER = INFINITE PLEASURE!"

"Yeah, baby!" communicated Leverage.

"OOOOOooooooohhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Will Turner as he busted a multi-dimensional nut.

"Holy shit", communicated Leverage as started coming down from its orgasm. "I'm definitely pregnant."

"Wat?!" said Will Turner.

"You nutted so hard that I, an abstract concept, am now pregnant", communicated Leverage. "Soon, a hybrid will be born."

"A hybrid?" asked Will Turner.

"Yes", communicated Leverage. "Half human, half concept."

"Huh", said Will Turner. "Well I guess that'll be a whole thing, huh?"

"Yes", communicated Leverage. "It will be a whole thing."

Will Turner could feel the effects of the liquid tesseract wearing off.

"Looks like it's time for me to go. It was an honor, Leverage", said Will.

"The honor was mine", communicated Leverage. "While I was your first abstract concept, you were my first human partner. Farewell, Will Turner."

Will woke up back in Tia Dalma's place.

"How did it go?" asked Elizabeth, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I did it", said Will. "I fucked Leverage!"

 **THE END**


End file.
